Bravery

This revelation came to me after a season that I am still in recovery from. God revealed a lot to me about myself, things I had no idea I was battling with such as: pride in relationships, ego in relationships and patience. As a Lioness (Leo), I do enjoy things that make me “purr”. Pride being the blindfold that it is, it did not occur to me that this was what I was seeking from men. I have known that I have a tendency of seeking validation from men, but the idea of me feeding on the attention without intention, was far from the frontier lobe of my mind. With that being said, I was striving to remain obedient to God in taking steps with a guy and though I did misstep a few times, amazingly enough, God will always bring me back to perspective. It was/is truly a hopeful experience. Why? Because for the first time in my life, I literally felt my pride on the altar to be sacrificed. Every instinct I have exercised with my interaction with a guy was challenged and was being chiseled by God. Every natural behavior, God shut it down and told me "No!" A Lioness like me?! My desire to take the initiative after feeling stagnant, shut down. My desire to hunt for what I want, shut down! My resort to flaunt my long lien body in order to remind a guy why he wanted me to begin with after feeling rejected due to a possible loss of interest…shut down! This state of sacrificing my pride truly felt like I was emotionally bleeding, and it hurt. I cried constantly because God was telling me "No. Sit back and do nothing" which is not like me at all. I am a Lioness, I like to be prowling.

Even after a year and six months, the guy has come and gone, God is still present, and I am still placing my pride on the altar. Yes it still stings, but I can see past the pride now and underneath all the blood, past the scars, mistrust, low self-esteem, and fear, I finally see the light of truth to my identity and worth. One of my favorite books/stories of the bible is the story of Hosea: the story of a holy man pursuing a prostitute, relentlessly. Beautiful Story! God revealed to me the partial purpose of this season: learning how to be pursued. Naturally, with me always being the "go-getter" and initiator (like the Lioness that I am), in all my interactions with men, I never learned how to sit still and let them come after me. I do grow slightly saddened by the thought that as a woman, I don't know how to be pursued and even more so, something that should be natural for me is something I have to learn. This learning requiring me to sacrifice my pride and actively endure those lonely nights without texting a guy to caress my ego. Requiring me to endure those days where I don't succumb to turning to self-destructive habits that will blur those sad feelings even if just for the night. This season has shown me that it takes bravery to be single, whether it is to choose singleness or embracing the season. Instead of it building your ego, it humbles you. For us to have grown up in a world where we sing "You are nobody, til somebody loves you"... and we log onto any social media and we see yet another friend has become engaged, it takes courage to actually choose and accept your singleness even when you have acknowledged that you desire more. This is a courageous decision to make daily. There are times where even the temptation of even logging onto a dating website yet choosing to remain faithful to my season is challenging. With this note of courage being addressed, I have incorporated into my prayers a new perception and request of God, as His daughter, learning to live and becoming while here on this earth and I would like to share it with you; I have been asking God to make and keep me brave during my time of being single. I have incorporated this prayer to remind myself that I am choosing a route of bravery and a means of accountability from conforming to my wavering emotions of loneliness and disillusion of depravity. I have said this prayer and have felt empowered. My dragging days has shortened, and the truth has been revealing itself faithfully. We are Brave! We are more brave than we think. Take heart and Remain Encouraged!

“Wait patiently for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait patiently for the Lord.” -Psalm 27:14

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”- Nelson Mandela